Alien Bodies: Mine

I want to talk today about my own struggle. I realize I have a degree of privilege in both being a hetero white male and having amazing support from friends. But I do have struggles. One of the reasons I write is to express the ideas in my head that would be frightening to many people if I were to just say them. I have never felt comfortable in my body. Well, there have been a few months and years when I did but society and perhaps humanity never lets you forget your imperfections. It is not enough not to be someone's flavor; you are imperfect and not worthy if you do not meet their aesthetic expectations. From waist size to penis length, someone wants to score points because you do not measure up. It makes them feel good about their own imperfections I guess.

My eyes are not great. I have a lazy eye. The only way I can carry a tune is on a cassette in my shirt pocket. My ear canals are weird. Scoliosis. I was too skinny as a child. I was too fat as an adult. At all steps the body I had almost never measured up with the body I wanted. But, I am not ashamed of any stage of development. Proud of a few, but not ashamed at all. Moments when I took more control of the narrative helped.

I have lost most of the weight I gained. I am back near my college weight if the scale at the hotel can be believed. I had not realized I had lost so much. I also injured my left triceps somehow. Its not nearly as strong as it used to be. And far weaker than the right one. I lost mass and its affected my strength and of course, my self image. When do I catch a break?

Well back in the gym is helping. Writing helps. I'll be okay. I will get back there. But I still feel Alien to myself. Maybe that is the human experience: always feeling not quite human enough or too human depending.

Christmas Evil is coming soon...

SMH